Saturday, September 29, 2007

Swedish Sperm Donors, Unite!!!


My better half informed me tonight that the US is in short supply of sperm donors from Scandinavian countries. I guess there is a high demand for blonde haired, blue eyed Nordic looking babies, everyone wants that lutefisk look I guess.

BUT, according to ( ), the FDA banned any sperm donations from countries that have had Mad Cow Disease infections.


Super G was sure to start into a long diatribe about how the government needs to not regulate everything in our lives, we don't needs rules and regulations placed on our most sacred of bodily fluids.....

But I was thinking of calling my dad (Hightower) and his brothers (Evinrude and Leon) with the great news! With this Swedish Sperm Embargo going on, they've got a veritable gold mine in their pants!

Do you hear me guys? The tools of capitalism no longer need to be oiled with your blood! Throw off the shackles of the 9-5 world, this is your retirement handed to you in a sterile specimen cup!

Hightower works best with "Honey-Do" this will get you started.

1) If the boys have been snipped, reconnect 'em.

2) Get rid of the Tighty-Whities. You must wear boxers, or go Commando, to protect your machinery.

3) Renew your Playboy subscription, and chuck the reading glasses, you won't need to read the articles.

4) The bathroom is now your office, get the cushy seat with the optional recliner function.

5) Get a wrist brace. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome can ruin your retirement dreams.

If you feel uncomfortable with this, try to remember: Everybody does it; you can't grow hair on your you really think it will grow on your palms?; even if it is a sin, none of us are Catholic, so you're off the hook.

For once, government intrusion into the lives of private citizens has proven to be a Godsend.

Should I see you around the holidays, you can thank me for your retirement dreams then, but don't be offended if I don't shake your hand.

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