Thursday, September 27, 2007

To my Uncle Evinrude: What the Hell were you thinking?

I have an uncle, Evinrude. Former Marine, quiet guy, very dry wit, the kind of guy that you respect. The kind of guy that you listen to, and trust. He is the reason I re-started this blog. Every time I'd send him an e-mail detailing the antics of the children, or my life, he would tell me that I should write a book. I don't like deadlines, and I don't think I'm that good, so a blog is the next best thing.

Evinrude does not have Terminal Forward Syndrome, like some of my family members. When he forwards things to me, it is usually a genuinely funny joke, or some essay that fits into our familial evil Rethuglican political agenda. Yesterday I get an email from him regarding Vicks brand Vapo-Rub. The contents are as follows:

WOW! I was raised, and raised my kids with Vicks. How come I
never knew this? I can't wait for my next cough. Amazing! READ IT
ALL. It works 100 percent of the time, although the scientists at the
Canada Research council (who discovered it) aren't sure why. To stop
nighttime coughing in a child (or an adult, as we found out personally),
put Vicks Vapor Rub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime
and then cover with socks.
Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about five minutes
and stay stopped for many, many hours of relief. This works 100
percent of the time and is more effective in children than even very
strong prescription cough medicines. In addition it is extremely
soothing and comforting and they will sleep soundly. I heard the head
of the Canada Research Council describe these findings on the part of
their scientists when they were investigating the effectiveness and usage
of prescription cough medicines in children as compared to alternative
therapies like acupressure. I just happened to tune in to a.m. Radio and
picked up this guy talking about why cough medicines in kids often do
more harm than good due to the chemical makeup of these strong drugs, so
I listened. It was a surprising finding and found to be more effective
than prescribed medicines for children at bedtime and in addition to have
a soothing and calming effect on sick children who then went on to sleep
soundly. My wife tried it on herself when she had a very deep constant
and persistent cough a few weeks ago and it worked 100 percent! She said
it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped her. The coughing stopped in a
few minutes, and believe me, this was a deep (incredibly annoying!),
every few seconds, uncontrollable cough, and she slept cough-free for
hours every night she used it. If you have grandchildren, pass it on.
If you end up sick, try it yourself and you will be absolutely amazed
by the effect.
Foolishly, I thought this might actually be a good idea. I mean, after all, Uncle Evinrude forwarded it to me and other family members, it might have some validity to it.......

So I went searching for Vapo-Rub after the bath last night. Alas, we had none in the house. I remember throwing some out quite a while ago, but could not remember why. We did have some "baby friendly" vapo-creme type stuff that was pretty mild. It has been in the closet since Bug was a baby. I figure it has either become inert or omnipotent, being so far gone from the expiration date.

Buddy was already asleep, the miracle of complete exhaustion coupled with the "wait here in your bed, under the warm covers and I will be right back" bedtime ruse. Two nights in a row I didn't have to deal with him following me to bed at 11pm.

So I read
Junie B. Jones and the Stupid, Smelly Bus, the entire book, to her Miss Bugabooness. She started to cough and I pounced with my new bio-weapon!

"Let me rub some lotion on your feet, it will make your cough go away"

She stared at me with suspicion. "My feet aren't coughing"

"No, but if you put this lotion on your feet, it is supposed to make you feel better and keep you from coughing"

"But my feet aren't coughing Mommy."

Now I'm getting frustrated. " Feet can't cough. But I read somewhere that if you put this special lotion on your feet, it will help your coughing so you can sleep through the night. You put put socks on after you put on the lotion and then it works all night long"

She looked at me again. "You shouldn't believe everything that you read." And she pulled her feet up under her blanket, daring me to attempt my voodoo medicine.

Then I really thought about it. How many years of my life did my mother smear that glop all over my chest, neck and under my nose? How many times did it actually work? Yeah, I never liked having my chest smeared with flaming ice cubes then, why would I consider smearing my daughter's feet with it now?

And then I thought some more about it. Why would I believe everything I read, just because Uncle Evinrude sent it to me? What if he owns stock in Vicks, and is trying to make a killing on something? What if he finally started some wacked out menthol worshiping cult and decided to see how many of us would torture our kids, just because HE suggested it to us? Everyone is so worried about cults that make you drink the Kool-Aid, and here he is commanding us to Slather the Feet. Does he smear his feet with Vapo-Rub? Do I want to know about it if he did?

Then I re-read the e-mail. The "author" has not tried it himself.....can I trust his wife to be honest? And this was "discovered" by some Canadian doctors. CANADIANS?!??!?! They have socialized medicine. This is totally a ruse that they put out there when there are no more antibiotics and other medicines until the start of the new year.

So, I did not smear my children with any type of vapor acting lotion. And their coughs have improved nonetheless. The left wing pinko commie socialized Canadian medicine attempt to overtake American youth has been thwarted on my watch, you can thank me now. And if it wasn't a nefarious Canadian plot, then I need not worry much about falling under the Cult of Evinrude's foot fetish spell, my children's feet are safe and encrusted with dirt, dog hair and toe they should be.

Just goes to show, don't believe everything you read, even if your cool Uncle Evinrude sends it to you.


gwr said...

Well, it's not just Casa Evinrude that's heard the Vicks-on-the-feet rumor. It's happening here at Casa de los Abuelos as well.

Buddy has a bit of coughy sniffly yechhiness, so Abuelo R mentioned the Vicks. He even mentioned that we had some downstairs in the Migrant Relatives Quarters. I looked around and he was right -- in fact, I had the choice between two containers:

- The small container, which expired in 1997; or
- The large container, which expired one year earlier, in 1996.

That's right -- los abuelos moved expired frickin' medicine to the current CdlA. (BTW, I opted to kill the smaller container, out of respect for the historical significance of the big one.)

When we move, all the expired medicine, food, cats, etc. are going in the dumpster. Just sayin'.

gwr said...

As a postlude to the blog post, though, Buddy did crash hard after about 10 minutes. Maybe those crazed Socialists up in Canuckistan know something after all ...