My public adored me and although I have been having a really rough time lately, I felt great about all the feedback I had gotten.
Until I woke up this morning and saw this in my inbox:
And I'd like to say to all those lame-asses at e-bay, the only one violating Violent Materials policies are the sado-masochists who created this stuff in the first place:
Here is my ultra violent materials auction, it's an ultra-violent, Clockwork Orange kind of thing.
Hmmm, Clockwork KY? You be the judge:
Item Specifics - Item Condition
Family Planning Product :
Personal LubricantProduct Type :
Personal LubricantBrand :
Mother of God, what was I thinking?
So, here is the deal. I've had chronic pain for three years now. Finally figured out part of the problem (several slightly bulging discs pinching an odd nerve, sending really nasty kidney stone like pain around my flanks) Now, I've also had some serious kidney problems, staghorn calculi, bilateral, which lead to so really nasty surgeries, or attempted murders as it were, and lot of damage to these particular vital organs leaving me a sobbing blob of carbon hooked up to Dilaudid drips in many an ER room for many many nights. How does all this pertain to a personal lubricant you may ask? I'm gettin' to it.
So, 8 months ago, my Dr put me on Fentanyl transdermal patches to give me a constant decent pain relief option. It was great! I didn't feel high, I could work, play, be a mom, wife, friend a real normal person! No longer a sobbing blob of carbon, I became once again, a functional working member of society. Life was good. Then we finally found a pain management Dr who figured out my obscure problem, gave me something called Neurontin, which is used for people with fibromyalgia and restless leg syndrome. I began to wean myself down from 100mcg patches, to 75 mcg to 50 mcg. I had some breakthrough pain, but that was actually a kidney stone (and how sad is that when it's "just a kidney stone passing"?)
Last Monday I went in to see my Dr, and said, "Doc, I feel so good now, lets rip off this patch and be done with it" My Dr, being a fine internist, but not wholly versed in narcotic withdrawal, said "great! You've got some clonidine to help with the withdrawals and here's 90 Vicodin to help you when the withdrawls might get a bit much" Yay, birds were chirping, butterflies were flying out my ass and I waltzed out of his office with my 2 kids plus one in tow (because I had to bring in another kid to amuse my 4 year old, Buddy... see my blog for complete details, I haven't updated in a while.... http://hthdidigethere.blogspot.com/ )
I go to Walgreens, buy the kids some candy say no to the toys and all the "As Seen on TV" detrius, get my drugs, and take a peek at the sex aisle. The warming stuff I'd tried before, but it ended up feeling like a bonfire in my cradle of life, so we decided never to get funky hot stuff again. I'd seen those KY Yours + Mine commercials, and the hype was luring me in. Once again, as in weeks past, they were out. Man I thought, this stuff must be great, it's never in stock! I made a mental note to look for it at Wal-Mart on my next grocery trip, then went home.
As the children played outside, on a blissfully wonderful Monday afternoon, I took off my last 50 mcg/hr Fentanyl patch and prepared to live my life narcotic and pain free.
Have you ever seen "Trainspotting"? My Dr. hadn't seen it either.
Fentanyl is basically like legal Heroin. It never gave me a euphoric high feeling, so I thought, hey....this will be a snap. Ahem. I lost 8 days of my life. Vomiting, diarrhea, creepy crawly bugs under my skin whenever I was touched, and with two kids who thought mommy was dying, I got lots of hugs, so I had lots of bugs. I blew through 90 vicodin in 5 days. Found some xanax left over from my last miscarriage (#13, see, I'm just a medical mess) and began eating that like candy. My kids ate nothing but pretzels, popsicles and frosting during the day, we watched a lot of Hannah Montana and Spongebob. When you're detoxing, a little talking yellow sponge is NOT what you need to keep your grip on reality. I twitched so much I wanted to unscrew my head, literally. My hair fell out in handfulls and I lost 11 pounds in that week. I didn't leave the house at all. I remember scuttling outside to help my husband put together this huge trampoline, I held three uprights, spent a total of 15 minutes outside and it sucked all the life out of me.
By Sunday, I felt a bit better, actually ate something and was able to sit and work....oh yeah, I work from home doing data entry and because I didn't think it would be so bad, I didn't take time off to detox.
Monday comes again, I make an appointment to see my Dr. Load up the kids plus 1 and head down the road. The first thing I noticed, gas has dropped nearly 40 cents per gallon. Holy Cow, I'm like John Lennon, or Yoko Ono, I lost a week! I still had some wicked vertigo, but managed to crawl in the office door and slither up on the table.
He came in the room, with a nurse practitioner student, and I blew them away with how I was certain that I almost died, but thanks to my heroin addict friends at the online self detox sites, I was able to muddle through. But I was out of vicodin and not out of twitches and bugs and the desire to unscrew my head from my body. I was quite certain that if I just carried my head under my arm like a football, I'd feel better. He had no idea it would be so bad, I had no idea it would be so bad, I mean, I never even got a buzz from the stuff, who knew? Anyway, he wrote me a script for oxycodone to ease the withdrawals and contacted a rehab facility to see what to do next. My 7 year old will never, ever, do drugs after watching this mess. I made sure to let her know this is what you're in for if you do.
We went back to Walgreens, I skittered up to the counter, grey, and shaking. My beloved pharmacist hopped right to it and filled it for me pronto, the kids came at me with a cart full of toys and candy. I had some relief in the bottle, so I cruised through the nookie aisle again and lo and behold......KY Yours+Mine was on the shelf. I grabbed it and headed for the register with a $10 dog bed, an aquarium of fake fish, 7 boxes of candy and a ring pop. Got home, popped the meds, and within a few minutes (God bless you Immediate release tablets) the bugs under my skin were exterminated and I no longer jumped, twitched or wanted to unscrew my head. Life was good.
The kids fell asleep at a decent time, and DH and I decided that I needed to feel some pleasure as opposed to pain, for once. Yay, taaadaaaaa, look honey, I bought this stuff, and the marketing guys say that ballerinas will dance and opera will be played and horses will race and we will be at one with the Kama Sutra.
So, here is the big reveal. The guy bottle, which we poured into our hands then applied (so the bottles are fairly sanitary, but I'll swab them with alcohol before I pack them up for shipping) had a warming tingling sensation, my husband reported. I poured some of mine on my hands and went to town. I didn't feel anything other than slippery, so I poured some more in. Barry White started to sing and things were cool. And then things got COOL. Then downright COLD!!! ACK! The girl bottle is cold sensation. eek, it just takes longer to feel. Now I've got permafrost girl parts when my DH tried to warm up the tundra.
At which point I started to scream, because now I'm cold and hot, cold and hot. All I could think of was I was being raped by a giant peppermint stick. Jack Frost was tormenting me and then I got the vision......I was doing the deed with Frosty the Snowman, who knew he had a peppermint wang?
Unable to stop laughing and crying, I crawled to the bathroom, trying to figure out how to put out the frosty fire in my most favorite of places, crying and laughing and just figured that this has just been the topper to one really crappy week.
Here is the kicker, I paid $20 for this stuff. Now, I can't just let it sit, I spent money on it. The dog bed is being used, the fake fish aquarium is set up and going, the candy has been eaten, even the ring pop is down to it's pink plastic nubbin, I am compelled to either use this stuff or sell. it.
So, here it is, One box of KY Yours + Mine. May you have better luck with it. If I ever get the desire to freeze flame my tender girl parts again, I'm just going to grab the Ben-Gay,